FNT: Friday Night Trashtalk

Buckingham: Well Hello there WildHawk...you ready to get this Friday Night Trashtalk going?
WildHawk: Let's do it
Buckingham: Alright, so basically this is going to be a semi-regular segment on the blog where we take a look at all the Saturday games, and talk trash to each other/fans of the teams. No holds barred, cage-match style. Witty banter and jokes are welcome.
WildHawk: Old-school rules?
Buckingham: 1 rule...there are no rules…except for rule #2, which is limit the swearing...we're part of the Yardbarker Network now!
WildHawk: Noted
Buckingham: And on that note...f*ck Iowa. Just kidding, we'll get to that later.

INDIANA @ ILLINOIS

Buckingham: Let's start her off with some easy targets here...Indiana @ Illinois. Go...
WildHawk: Well Indiana just plain sucks, and Illannoy only plays offense (plus doesn't have a coach, only a head recruiting coordinator)
Buckingham: Tru dat...I mean, I just plain feel bad for making fun of Indiana.
WildHawk: Yeah, sorta like staring at a freak on the sidewalk.
Buckingham: If you were the only fan left on earth, and you had to pick a football coach for your team, and the only two options were Bill Lynch or a bumb off the street...who do you pick? … I go with option C...none of the above. I'd rather have anarchy on the team than either of those two options.
WildHawk: …or D, get rid of the football program altogether. Only problem this year is they don't have basketball to fall back on.
Buckingham: Thank you Kelvin Sampson!!
WildHawk: With Sampson, they traded one season with a good player for the entire program. But I digress…
Buckingham: Illinois is going to put up about 500 yards of offense in this game, but then they'll sadly realize that Juice is still their quarterback and that Mendenhall hates their program. There is nothing like alienating your best NFL prospect in ages as soon as he steps off campus.
WildHawk: How hard would it have been to keep his brother on the team? Hell, I bet he could start on defense (and he was a RB, no?)
Buckingham: That is cooorrrreeeccct! Winner of this game?
WildHawk: Illannoy, but even Illini fans won't be able to be cocky after.
Buckingham: Agreed...Illini W this week.

PURDUE @ NORTHWESTERN

Buckingham: Moving on...Purdue at Northwestern?
WildHawk: Purdue is a mess with a lame-duck coach, but the Cats never throw a ball more than 5 yards.
Buckingham: I've heard mustaches aren't very popular in Evanston except on women...so Tiller could be in trouble. Curtis Painter probably more...that Wildcat defense should be coming after him.
WildHawk: I hope so. Plus Purdue's D is no good. I like Northwestern by default....but closer than it should be.
Buckingham: Yeah, I have a feeling that lame-ass Wildcat noise that every college in the country who has "cats" in their name uses will be played often.
WildHawk: Fact. Also, is it just me, or is Tiller playing a sick joke on Painter, surrounding him with no one? I always thought Painter was overrated, but this is cruel.
Buckingham: I wrote about this before, but Tiller is just straight up being a dick. How many years ago do you think he stopped caring?
WildHawk: Funny how 3 years ago, when they were going to have 2 straight years without OSU or Michigan, they started to blow, despite decent talent and hype (also, as of last year, I could change the school in question to Iowa for this and I'd still have a good point).
Buckingham: I'm guessing that you're taking the Cats...but what's the over/under on passes thrown within 5 yards of the line of scrimmage?
WildHawk: I'm guessing CJ will throw about 35 times, 25 of which will be either behind the line or within 5 yards, this despite 3 senior WRs and a line that hasn't given-up many sacks.
Buckingham: I'll put the over/under at 30 combined passes within 5 yards.
WildHawk: under...barely
Buckingham: Cats take this one with their defense.
WildHawk: Agreed.

MICHIGAN @ PENN STATE

WildHawk: How about scUM/PSU?
Buckingham: PSU....147....Michigan....0
WildHawk: Sounds like Ditka will be suiting-up for Paterno, but seriously, my crystal ball says this will be another embarrassment for the Wolverines.
Buckingham: At this point, if Michigan has less than 4 turnovers in any game...it should be considered a success. Do you think they can set a record for worst turnover margin in NCAA history?
WildHawk: Perhaps. I just hope none of them die.
Buckingham: Don't talk about Paterno like that WildHawk...he's young at heart.
WildHawk: Hahahaha. Sigh.
Buckingham: I'm gonna say that Paterno will be asleep by the mid-3rd quarter...and Rich Rod will be on the phone with his agent looking for an escape route.

OHIO STATE @ MICHIGAN STATE

Buckingham: Do you think Michigan State will crumble this week? (note: I couldn't even type that without chuckling a bit in anticipation of your response)
WildHawk: Of course
Buckingham: Letdown. I was hoping for something along the lines of...Does a bear shit in the woods? Does Charlie Weis refuse to pass up an all-you-can-eat at the OCB? Is Lindsey gonna relapse before she realizes going lesbian is only awesome if your partner is hot?
WildHawk: I should hire you as a ghostwriter; those are pretty good. Let's be honest, they barely beat an Iowa team at home who was playing like they were trying to lose. They're simply not that good. I hate OSU, but they have a defense and a better coach. Ringer won't have 100 yards, and OSU will win by more than people think.
Buckingham: Yeah, I'm loving all the "not this October" articles popping up right now. Here's the thing about Sparty...they need to flop in a big game before the slide starts. This is really their first big game/opportunity to provide us with comedic material.
WildHawk: And you know what, even if Iowa and Northwestern take it in the neck tomorrow, I'll still laugh my ass off.
Buckingham: oh absolutely...how could you not? I've been saving up "money-maker" jokes all year for this game…but it'll be even better when Michigan beats them the next week. Granted I can't talk much, but it'll still be good.
WildHawk: And that's why I love college football. Anyone can root for their team, but it takes a real fan to hate certain teams with the same passion.
Buckingham: Who ya got?
WildHawk: Kidding? Gimme the Buckeyes
Buckingham: I'll take MSU in the first 25 minutes of the game...and the Suckeyes doubling Sparty's point total in the last 35
WildHawk: Interesting. I respect the detailed pick.

WISCONSIN @ IOWA

Buckingham: So I guess that leaves only one game left...which team is gonna suck more on Saturday...yours or mine?
WildHawk: Beats me. I'd say it's 50/50. Last time you guys had a QB making his first start against Iowa, Donovan torched us.
Buckingham: True...but we also have a QB on our roster that beat out Sherer in spring/fall camp...yet made every Badger fan long for Tyler Donovan. I feel dirty just typing that.
WildHawk: Sick. I think it's simple: win the turnover battle, win the game.
Buckingham: The bad news for you is that we have a guy named John Clay who is a sexy piece of man meat. And no, I don't regret typing that…my man-crush is that great.
WildHawk: ...and he almost picked-up the Iowa hat!
Buckingham: Still stings a little doesn't it?
WildHawk: I dunno, I'm happy with Shonn and Jewel Hampton (a real diamond in the rough...whammy)
Buckingham: I thought you'd bring up the Jewel of every Hawks-eye (stretching on that one)
WildHawk: I'll accept it.
Buckingham: Can we just talk about something else though...underage drinking! More specifically getting caught for it, and pissing off your parents…even more specifically, pissing off your dad/football coach.
WildHawk: Yikes, now the youngest Ferentz. Ouch.
Buckingham: Did you see that press release Kirk put out today?
WildHawk: No, good?
Buckingham: I mean, my dad would be mad...but this took it to a whole new level. I can not even imagine how much hell his life is going to be for the next six weeks. There are punishment press releases that coaches put out that seem like they're really not worried (see Zook, Ron), and then there is the press release that all parents probably wish they could put out when their kid does something stupid. Kirk had that chance, and unlike Iowa's offense, did not waste it.
WildHawk: At least he isn't overpaid. (Sidenote: So Zook doesn't suspend guys who hit women?)
Buckingham: (Nope, bitches should know that when the Zooker gets poked in the eye, he won't be as nice as Eddie McGee.) Back to the topic...if either team has to go to the untrustworthy left-handed backup QB...who wins?
WildHawk: Wisconsin…no question. Jake isn't a D1 QB, plain and simple.
Buckingham: Wasn't he the savior of the program as a redshirt frosh? That turned out well for you. So, who wins if the starting QB's stay alive?
WildHawk: If he's the savior, then I'm Mickey Mouse. I like Iowa, obviously. Regardless, it's gonna be close.
Buckingham: I'm taking my Badgers. Unless the fat-ass (PJ) plays too much, then we're screwed. Actually, I got a 4 in the college pick'em last week, so we're probably screwed anyways if I'm picking the Badgers. Either way, it's gonna be an old school Big Televen football game, and it'll be great to watch.
WildHawk: Hahaha, sadly I didn't win a week for the first time in a while. That being said, I can honestly say I respect Wisky...one of the only non-Iowa/NU Big10 teams I don't despise.
Buckingham: Ditto for Iowa.

Wow...we suck at talking trash.